Is it a cop-out?? No, it is realism

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check your expectations at the door, expectations, the exercise of power, the fewer the expectations - the fewer the frustrations, what I commonly expect

I continue pondering the expectations issue.  NOTE – The topic is included in the three following Stertin pieces – “Tom, theology, and parents – the sequel” (September 12, 2011) . . . . “My first attempt to help a failing marriage” (January 16, 2012). . . “Jesus, Lewis, analogies and checking your expectations at the door”  (April 30, 2011)

Our expectations are present in some of our most common experiences.  For example, do I not expect people . . .

• to say thanks when allowing them to go ahead of me in the check out line at the store?
• to ask permission to join a conversation I am having with a friend or family member?
• to show kindness to one of my grandchildren, or any other child for that matter?
• to tell the truth if I ask for directions when lost?
• to return to the rightful owner some items they have found?
• to use turn signals when driving?
• to pass safely on the highway?
• to be courteous when a salesperson has become hassled?
• to be a peace maker?

Most likely a focus group could quickly fill up pages and pages of commonly held expectations.  Whether the list is long or short isn’t the issue.  Furthermore, the issue is not that we begin expecting people to simply be bad.  We might have reason to say that some or all of these expectations would make for a kinder or gentler society if they are realized.

But, in my case, I find myself, more and more, coming to the point of not expecting people to be either good or bad.  I simply am trying to releasing my grip on expectations.  I am becoming more and more aware that what they do is out of my control, and perhaps most likely even out of my area of influence.  (UNLESS . . . I’ll return to this as the last paragraph.) 

This is not to say that I have surrendered my ability and obligation to make moral judgments.  I can observe their actions, hear their comments, and read what they have written.  In some cases I can determine if they did good or evil, exercised love or not, were kind or not, were courteous or not, were generous or stingy.

The goal I am trying to achieve is to reach the point where my spiritual and psychological states are not determined by whether other people have met my expectations or failed to meet them.  My thoughts, at this point in my life, are that the surest way to realize that spiritual and psychological freedoms include releasing my grip on expectations.  The fewer the expectations, the fewer the frustrations, anger, desire for revenge, get-even behavior, the put-downs.   Let’s not forget, “as we think in our heart, so we are.” (Proverbs 23.7)

Now back to the UNLESS several lines ago.  I recognize that to the degree that I have something another person wants or needs (friendship, love, financial assistance, conversation, advice, instruction, tenderness, analysis, information, the giving of a grade in a course, etc.), I may have some power, influence, or control in their decision making.  That does not, however, obligate me to exercise that power, influence, or control.  But, this is a topic for more elaboration.

Comments???   Your experiences with expectations ???

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Words to guide us on the way – Set 3

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a Christian engineer, admitting we are wrong, Albert Einstein, Charles Lamb, Charles Spurgeon, Emil Brunner, facts and feelings, Henry David Toreau, John Gardner, Where God accompanies His people

When said briefly, pithily, and picturesquely, our statements attract attention.  And, when they are also words of wisdom, people pay attention.  Wouldn’t the world be a better place in that case?  – – – – Point made. 

• “What do you do?” the young man asked Einstein.  “I am a student of physics,” Einstein answered. “And yourself?“    “I finished physics last year,” the young man replied.
• A cake of memories will do for a bite now and then, but it makes a poor daily bread.  (Charles H. Spurgeon)
• A Christian can, and should, learn the happy art of extracting good out of seeming evil and to grow tall by stooping.
• A Christian engineer doesn’t build Christian bridges.  A Christian engineer builds solid bridges.  (Emil Brunner)
• Clear consciences make soft pillows.
• A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. (Adlai Stevenson)
• Gems are not polished without friction nor are we perfected without trials. (Chinese proverb)
• A man should never be ashamed to own he has been wrong, which is but saying he is wiser today than he was yesterday.
• Being a parent is difficult for two reasons. You are expected to teach that which you love the most to get along without you and, secondly, you don’t know for twenty years if you’re any good at it!
• Better to shun the bait than struggle in the snare.
• Beware of enterprises that require new clothes rather than a new wearer of clothes. (Henry David Thoreau)
• Fact is fact, and feeling is feeling, never does the second change the first.
• God accompanies His children into exile.  (Elie Wiesel in All Rivers Run to the Sea)
• People of integrity, by their very existence, rekindle the belief that we can live above the level of moral squalor. (John Gardner)
• It is a sign that your reputation is small and shrinking if your own tongue must praise you.
• Freedom is participation in power. (Cicero)
• I am always longing to be with people more excellent than myself. (Charles Lamb)

 Comments ? ? ? ?

Leopards and Spots – Part 3, Onesimus

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a responsible Christian, leopards and spots, Onesimus, Philemon, slavery in the Roman empire, social contract, the Apostle Paul

He was the one who could lose the most if the deal fell through!!  In human terms, the most that the letter writer could lose was a friendship with a church leader.  In human terms the most that the letter’s recipient could lose was nothing, since the slave had already been long gone anyway.  But, the most the letter carrier could lose in human terms was his very life, if the slave owner so desired!!

Of course, what you just read may not make sense to you if you haven’t already read parts 1 and 2 of “Leopards and Spots.”  So, you might want to play a little catch up, by going to  part 1 (dated Sept 2, 2012) and part 2 (dated October 2, 2012).  While at either one, take several minutes to also read through the brief letter mentioned in the first paragraph.  In any case, for this post let’s think about the letter carrier, whose life was at risk by the simple deed of carrying a letter to someone he knew.  The letter carrier is named Onesimus – the one whose life was at stake.

Onesimus was a runaway slave who at some point made contact with a prisoner in a Roman jail, whose name was Paul.  Yes, it is the Apostle Paul of the New Testament.  The details of how Onesimus became a slave of Philemon, who lived in the city of Colossae, are by our time in history unknown.

Slavery was so common in many parts of the Roman Empire that in some places 1/5 to 1/3 of the population were slaves. Prior to becoming enslaved, a people might have been:

• A person captured by Romans soldiers in a battle, or captured by pirates, or by slave hunters
• An infants abandoned in the streets or in the garbage, and picked up to be raised only to be sold as a child slave
• A convicts whose sentence was slavery
• Those who had run up so much debt that the price paid for them as a slave would pay the debt
• Christians who sold themselves into slavery to help out another Christian!!!

The slaves were deprived of liberty and equality, and usually denied dignity.  They were considered “things”, “walking tools” or “living property.”  Captured runaway slaves were especially subjected to brutal punishment.  They could be crucified to make a statement to other slaves who contemplated fleeing from their owner.

In this kind of context, Onesimus ended up in Rome where he could mingle in the crowd and escaping notice.  Once there in Rome, for reasons unknown to us, Onesimus made contact with Paul, who is in prison, and Onesimus himself became a Christian.

As a Christian, Onesimus faced the serious decision – “What do I do as a runaway slave?”  Rome didn’t extend emancipation papers to slaves who became Christians!!!  Becoming a Christian gave him forgiveness of sins.  BUT, it didn’t change his legal status. Onesimus was still a run-away slave!!  And, now what??

He goes back to Philemon, to the city of Colossae, with a letter in his hand, written by the Apostle Paul to be delivered to Philemon.  It seems pretty awkward, doesn’t it?  In fact, it seems almost bizarre.  Although carrying Paul’s letter for Philemon, during the entire trip back to Philemon’s home Onesimus had no assurance as to what Philemon would do.

Of course, Onesimus did have the option during his trip of simply running away to another city and say, “So much for Paul and his ideas.”  But, that didn’t happen.  Onesimus assumed responsibility for his actions and obligations.  And, that is the point.  The fact is that without that sense of responsibility, healthy Christian life is unreachable.

All of us, both you the reader and I the writer, live in some kind of society.  In all societies, there is some degree of contract with others.  It might be a very basic contract – “I don’t murder you.  You don’t murder me.”  In most cases, of course, that contract is much more elaborated into regulations and laws.  Some of the laws may seem strange, unreasonable, and even confusing to many of the people affected by the existence of those laws and expectations.   Some societies have well known mechanism available to change laws.  In other societies, it is very difficult, and perhaps impossible, for a common person to do anything to bring about a change of laws.

It is at this point that we come to a difficult matter for one who seeks to live in a God honoring manner.  It appears to be the case that God expects His children to responsibly fulfill the demands and duties that correspond to his social contract.  It appears that as a child of God, no one can cop out of the duties of such situations as being a parent, a spouse, an employee or employer, a citizen, a church member, a neighbor, or one of many, many more societal roles.

All this might seem to be a huge burden.  I would be remiss to pretend otherwise.  But, the burden is not the entire story.  In reality, living responsibly, in light of the social contracts we sign on to by virtue of living in a given society, frees us from the burden of guilt, of worry about what someone will say or do because of our irresponsibility, and from the prison of falsehood and deceit as we try to cover up our violations of the elements of our social contracts.

The leopard Onesimus, like the apostle Paul and the slave owner Philemon experienced “spot removal” that only Jesus can bring.  Onesimus illustrates for us that no one on the planet should be more responsible to society than the Christian.

 

Proverbs for hungry minds – Set 2

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"CS Lewis", Aristophanes, Chesterton, E M Forster, Fadiman, Gandi, Margaret Mead, Ogden Nash, Philip Yancey, Winston Churchill

Did the last set of proverbs /words of wisdom stir your mind?  Hoping they did, I invite you to ponder the following.  You will see some familiar authors; others reside in anonymity.  Some are professing Christians, others are not.  Some are quite contemporary; others are not.  What they share is uncommon sense and sensitivity that cast a beam on a darkened path.  So, read, let the light shine, and then walk with increased certainty.

•  The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has no one to thank (Chesterton)
• Great joy caries within it the intimations of immortality (Yancey in CT’s “The Ample Man who Saved My Life”)
• The Christian idea has not been tried and found wanting.  It has been found difficult and left untried.” (Chesterton)
• One of the strongest arguments in favor of Christianity is the failure of Christians, who thereby prove what the Bible teaches about the Fall and original sin. (Chesterton)
• By words, the mind is winged. (Aristophanes)
• When you re-read a classic you do not see more in the book than you did before; you see more in you than there was before. (Clifton Fadiman)
• We read to know we are not alone. (student to CS Lewis in Shadowlands)
• I suggest that the only books that influence us are those for which we are ready, and which have gone a little further down our particular path than we have gone ourselves. (E M Forster)
• Life is like a parachute jump.  You have to get it right the first time.(Margaret Mead)
• In light of what the world is, don’t despise the creatively maladjusted.
• Be nice to people on your way up because you might meet them on the way down. (Jimmy Durante)
• There are no grades of vanity, only grades of ability to conceal it. (Mark Twain)
• Be the change you wish to see in the world (Gandhi)
• Nothing in the world is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result. (Winston Churchill)
• Cherish your happy moments.  They are a fine cushion for old age. (Booth Tarkington)
• Happiness?  The simple harmony between you and the life you lead. (Albert Camus)
• What a tangled web do parents weave when they think their children are naïve. (Ogden Nash)

 Which ones resonate with you?  Use the comment box to share your thoughts!

Proverbs don’t have to be in the Bible to be valuable!!

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Andre Gide, consequences, Henry Ford, love, pain, perseverance, possessions, preparedness, proverbs, success, valuing others, Wayne Gretsky

So, check out the following, and let the ones that really strike you sink in deeply.  (I  have the source for some, but not for most).  

• We miss 100% of the shots we never take. (Wayne Gretsky) 
• Behavior unchallenged is encouraged.
• One doesn’t discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time. (Andre Gide)
• Being a parent is difficult for two reasons. You are expected to teach those you love the most to get along without you and, secondly, you don’t know for twenty years if you’re any good at it!
• If you love something let it go. If it comes back to you it’s yours; if it doesn’t, it never was.
• The possessions we have say little about us; how we feel about our possessions defines us.
• We can measure how smart we are by our ability to understand and appreciate the intelligence of someone else.
• Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success.  (Henry Ford) 
• Nothing worth doing in life is ever easy. If it were, then everybody would be doing it. 
• If we continue to live in the past, our life is history.   
• If we don’t change directions, we may just end up where we are headed.
• It is better to light the candle than to curse the darkness.
• Lack of preparation on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
• Pain is nature letting us know we are still alive and need to do something
• The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• We are as big as the little things that bother us.
• Sometimes we must be hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, and lose in order to gain because some lessons are learned only through pain. From them we can become stronger.
• Those who are good at making excuses are seldom good at anything else.
• We cannot become what we cannot see ourselves becoming.
• Grass is not greener on the other side of the fence, it’s greener where it’s watered; go home, water your grass.
• Some birds aren’t meant to be caged; their feathers are just too bright.  
• A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove…but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child.     
• Can we dare complain about what we permit?  
• Success – how high we bounce after hitting bottom.
• Perseverance is not a long race; it is just short races one after another. 

When October Goes

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a favorite month, Barry Manilow, helpless tears are hidden, Johnny Mercer, October birthdays, When October goes

Do you have a favorite month?  A least favorite month?  A month with which you most associate a traumatic experience?  One of my favorite months is June.  It is when I heard those unforgettable words, “I now pronounce you husband and wife.”

That was a long time ago, and since then other months have also provided material both for expressing gratitude to God and for reflection.  October is one of those months.  Why October?  To answer that, let me refer to Barry Manilow’s rendition of Johnny Mercer’s lyrics, When October Goes. (Click here for the UTube version)   The lyrics are –

And when October goes the snow begins to fly
Above the smokey roofs I watch the planes go by
The children running home beneath a twilight sky
Oh, for the fun of them, when I was one of them

And when October goes the same old dream appears
And you are in my arms to share the happy years
I turn my head away to hide the helpless tears
Oh how I hate to see October go

And when October goes the same old dream appears
And you are in my arms to share the happy years
I turn my head away to hide the helpless tears
Oh how I hate to see October go

I should be over it now I know.
It doesn’t matter much how old I grow
I hate to see October go.

This day in October is a special day for me.  Joyce was born 71 years ago today in the little town of Renovo, PA. She was the second child of Harry and Gladys Sykes, and eventually three more sons would join the family.  By the time she graduated from high school, the family lived in Erie, PA.  Joyce wanted to be a missionary in the Far East, and to prepare for that ministry she enrolled at Nyack College in Nyack, NY.

I had enrolled at Nyack a year earlier.  We met during Joyce’s  freshman year, got engaged after her sophomore year, got married after her junior year, and moved to Wheaton, IL, after her senior year, where we celebrated her 22 October 5^th birthday.  By that time, we were planning on a life of ministry in Argentina, focusing on education at the Buenos Aires Bible College.  When our time in Argentina concluded due to medical issues, we moved to Minnesota where we continued as college professors, and Joyce saw nineteen October 5^th birthdays come and go.  At the same time, she was “putting up” with cancer.

Three years ago, the October 5^th birthday in 2009 was celebrated, but without Joyce.  She had gone to her real home several months before.  We still celebrate Joyce’s birthday in October.  And, Joyce?  She is still in my  dreams of the happy years when we were in each other’s arms.  And then?  It is “when October goes and the helpless tears are hidden”

Leopards and spots, part 2 – Paul

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cold - hard - calloused - calculating, leopards, moral decisions that are God pleasing, Onesimus, Philemon, taking a risk, the Apostle Paul, you got yourself into this mess

Back on the September 2, 2012 post, I raised the image of a leopard whose spots were changed.  Reference was made to a man named Philemon, who received a letter from the apostle Paul.  I pointed out that Philemon experienced a fundamental change in his life, a change that could parallel that of a leopard who changed his spots!!  But, Philemon was not the only leopard in the letter.  Two other men also had spots that needed to be addressed.  In this post I want us to think of one of them.  In a later post, I will address the third “leopard.”  Today, let’s think about the apostle Paul, the author of the letter sent to Philemon.

[Note — As in the earlier post, the letter to Philemon is available at the end of this entry.]

You may be somewhat familiar with the Apostle Paul if you have had exposure to the New Testament.  But, for this little article, I have to make an assumption, and I am opting for you having a minimum idea about the fellow.

Paul had not always been what he was when writing his letters and doing his Christian missionary ministry.  He had been raised in a very religiously devout home.  His father was considered by many people of his time to be super godly and  rigorous in his religious practices and beliefs.  He was a Jewish Pharisee with high expectations for himself and his family.  The son, Paul, drank deeply from the well of his father’s religiosity, becoming as zealous as his father – perhaps, even more so.  That was very evident at the time the Christian community was just forming after the death, resurrection and ascension of Jesus.

The situation, that a sizeable number of people were becoming followers of Jesus, made Paul into a very unhappy camper.  In fact, Paul became a scourge against those known as the followers of The Way.

In Paul’s pre-Christian mind, the Christians were adversaries, turncoats, enemies, and blasphemers.  Just as some people had wanted to kill Jesus, Paul had similar feelings toward the Christians.  He went on a campaign of rounding up Jesus followers, and actually putting them in prison for their belief in Jesus.  There is reason to think that some of the Christians might have been killed in the process.

As far as Paul’s thoughts about the Christians and their sentiments, Paul was cold, hard, calloused, and calculating.  He could not have cared less about the needs of the people he was persecuting.  The pain he saw in the Christians didn’t bother him one bit.  He was happy to see it, thinking they deserved it for having betrayed the faith of their fathers.

That was Paul as the spotted leopard.  By the time he writes this brief and personal letter, Paul is concerned, caring, and involved.  He has changed radically. The change can be seen in his relationship with the two other principal personages in this letter.

On one hand, Paul is committed to the run-away slave Onesimus. Onesimus was facing some very hard choices. He could remain a run-away, or return to his master, Philemon.  If he decided to return to Philemon, Onesimus faced an unknown and perhaps life threatening scenario.

Sensing Onesimus’ fears, Paul writes on his behalf to Philemon.  It is that “writing on behalf” of Onesimus that tells us so much about Paul.  Paul could have said to Onesimus, “You got yourself into this mess.  Now you can get yourself out of it.  Don’t expect me to help you.”  Rather, Paul was willing to take a risk for Onesimus.  Paul knew Onesimus needed help, and Paul delivered.

On the other hand, Paul was also concerned about Philemon, the slave owner.  How does he show this concern?  We note that Paul would not take a dominant role over Philemon.  He recognizes that Philemon was going to have some pretty raw emotions about this case of Onesimus.  So, Paul requests; he asks.  He does not order Philemon. He takes the position that Philemon is able, in Jesus, to make moral decisions that are God honoring.

Paul is now not the cold and calculating persecutor.  That was his life before the spots began to be changed.  Now, Paul is caring, concerned, sensitive, and willing to intercede on behalf of someone else.  He respects both Onesimus and Philemon.  He does not take a “know it all” posture with either Onesimus or Philemon.  He makes it clear what he thinks is the best procedure for both of them, while at the same time honoring their individual decision making.

Paul is a changed person.  Can a leopard change his spots?  Can God change us?  Of course, He can and He does.

********************************************

Paul’s letter to Philemon 

1 From Paul, a prisoner for the sake of Christ Jesus, and from our brother Timothy— To our friend and fellow worker Philemon, 2 and the church that meets in your house, and our sister Apphia, and our fellow soldier Archippus:  3 May God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ give you grace and peace.

4 Brother Philemon, every time I pray, I mention you and give thanks to my God. 5 For I hear of your love for all of God’s people and the faith you have in the Lord Jesus. 6 My prayer is that our fellowship with you as believers will bring about a deeper understanding of every blessing which we have in our life in union with Christ. 7 Your love, dear brother, has brought me great joy and much encouragement! You have cheered the hearts of all of God’s people.

8 For this reason I could be bold enough, as your brother in Christ, to order you to do what should be done. 9 But because I love you, I make a request instead. I do this even though I am Paul, the ambassador of Christ Jesus, and at present also a prisoner for his sake. 10 So I make a request to you on behalf of Onesimus, who is my own son in Christ; for while in prison I have become his spiritual father. 11 At one time he was of no use to you, but now he is useful both to you and to me.

12 I am sending him back to you now, and with him goes my heart. 13 I would like to keep him here with me, while I am in prison for the gospel’s sake, so that he could help me in your place. 14 However, I do not want to force you to help me; rather, I would like for you to do it of your own free will. So I will not do anything unless you agree.

15 It may be that Onesimus was away from you for a short time so that you might have him back for all time. 16 And now he is not just a slave, but much more than a slave: he is a dear brother in Christ. How much he means to me! And how much more he will mean to you, both as a slave and as a brother in the Lord! 17 So, if you think of me as your partner, welcome him back just as you would welcome me. 18 If he has done you any wrong or owes you anything, charge it to my account. 19 Here, I will write this with my own hand: I, Paul, will pay you back (I should not have to remind you, of course, that you owe your very self to me.) 20 So, my brother, please do me this favor for the Lord’s sake; as a brother in Christ, cheer me up!

21 I am sure, as I write this, that you will do what I ask—in fact I know that you will do even more. 22 At the same time, get a room ready for me, because I hope that God will answer the prayers of all of you and give me back to you.

23 Epaphras, who is in prison with me for the sake of Christ Jesus, sends you his greetings, 24 and so do my co-workers Mark, Aristarchus, Demas, and Luke.  25 May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with you all.